Fighting the Demons

It is 4:00am and I cannot sleep. I have a lot on my mind that I need to get down on..well..the computer (not on a notebook, I dont want to turn lights on)

Have you ever felt like you are in a constant losing battle with your flesh? That is how I am feeling. I am feeling defeated, like there is no possibility of winning. There are so many "demons" in my life right now and there are just so many (anger, doubt, envy, hating food, weight issues, greed...just to name a few) and it is a little overwhelming because I try to overcome them but they just overpower my life and it is hard to get out.

I try to show outwardly that all is good and rosey, but inward I am fighting a constant battle. I have friends who are going through some pretty rough stuff right now so I try to be there for them and it is hard because if I am struggling, it makes it hard for me to get the words across to help my friends. As much as I want to help them, its near impossible to because I am struggling and hurting. I love my friends dearly...like...SOOO much, you have NO idea, and it hurts me to not be able to help them properly because my own mind is clouded with thoughts.

Dancing gets rid of the pain, but only for a short time. I go to dance classes regularly (once a week...soon to be 3 times a week..once i get my ID) and I find that when I am there, I feel no pain. I just focus on having a good time and learning something new. I enjoy it thoroughly..but then I leave that dance hall and its back to reality. Life isn't all roses and butterflies... it probably never will be. But its just nice to have that release for 2 hours at least. Where I can forget everything in the world and just dance. The dance "high" usually lasts an evening.. on the bus on the way home, and then the next day its back to the inward struggle.

I am not commending people who get drunk to get rid of their problems, but I am making a statement here that my friend told me once. He was going through a REALLY rough time a while ago..was going to commit suicide and he said that drinking makes those problems go away. I told him that the problems are still there, they are just masked by a clouded head full of alcohol. The problems are still there, you are just left with a hangover AND the problems.

There HAS to be a permanent solution to people's problems. There can't be these temporary "memory lapses" if you will. There can't be these few hour highs, there needs to be a permanent solution...I need to work through these struggles in my life, and I need God's help with these struggles, because I sure can't do it on my own. I am in a losing battle, and I can only overcome these problems through Jesus. I can only get through these struggles with God's help.

Help me Jesus, I pray!